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Friday, June 17, 2011

Beck's Final Exam (June 17, 2001)

Check out Squalor Scholar for the jibber jabber.  This will show the Q&A + links and pics.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.  Life has gotten in the way.  It's gonna be another 24 hrs before I make this pretty.
Beck's Final Exam!

note: I am going to mangle spellings and back up to correct them after the show.

Hello, America.  They're very excited.  Hard to get tickets to this show.  Tonight is a very special night.  It's our first ever quiz show, and it will be our last ever quiz show on this program.  We're calling it The Final Exam.  We're gonna put some of our ultimate viewers -- how many people have watched every single episode of this-- [people raise their hands] WOW.  What the hell's wrong with you? [to a man who did not raise his hand.]  [Laughter.]  YEAH, I make time for it, pal.  Whatever.

We're putting the audience to the test to see how much they have learned from watching this show over the last two and a half year.  Now, we invite you to play along, we actually have some questions just for you over the hour.  I'm actually gonna be put to the test over this hour, too.  My staff has told me nothing about what the questions are.  I barely -- as the audience can testify -- can figure out how the button works, and there's only one to buzz in.  So it's not gonna go well for me.

We brought in a special co-host, but he's really a host.  Greg Gutfeld.  He hosts Redeye here at Fox News at 3 a.m. Eastern, I think that's, uh, noon pacific.

Greg: 8:00 in Jicarda

Anyways, So, he's gonna take the show here, but I do wanna go through some of the answers to the questions in the promos that we have aired.  These are really easy.  Spooky Dude, who is Spooky Dude?
Audience: George Soros
If you don't know who Spooky Dude is, what are you doing?  Who do I hate?
Audience: Woodrow Wilson
Who do I love?
Audience: George Washington
Oh, okay, I thought it was Van Jones, or Tanya, Tanya would have been good.

Greg: I thought you loved me.
Beck: Ahhhh.  I don't even know who you are.
Greg: You're killin me.
Beck: So, Greg is here, and he's going to take the show.  And where do you start?
Greg: I just want to point out that when you use this buzzer, you shock liberal.  [Audience cheers.]  We have them outside in a tank.  I just wanted to set that up.  The first questions are gonna be for the audience.  The audience is separated into three parts: faith, hope, and charity.  [Me: heh.]  The first question, uh
Beck: I've already buzzed in, so...
Greg: You-- I have to clear you [dings bell].  You're already ruining this, guy.  This is why--
Beck: I'LL USE IT.  I'LL PUSH IT.  I'm just practicing.  If I ever run for president, it'll be great.  [Note: the button is red.]  I'LL USE IT. [Audience cheers.]
Greg: But, you know, when you press it [president's red button], all you get is free ice cream.  Okay, the first category is Name That Czar.  So, you guys have to raise your hand, do whatever is diplomatic.  This Obama czar considered putting sterilents in our drinking water.
Beck: It's be John over in Team Faith.
John: John Holderin.
Greg: [ding] There ya go, a liberal just got shocked.
Beck: Hang on a sec.  Is someone keeping score?
Greg: Yeah, we have an intern.  What happened to the intern?
Beck: What kind of crappy show is this?
[Intern walks to the chalkboard.]
Greg, to intern: What are you going to do in 11 shows, young lady?  I have some yardwork.  Alright, I'm kidding.
Beck: You don't have a yard.
Greg: I don't have a yard.  I live in New York.  I don't even have a bed.  I sleep under a tarp.  Okay.  Second under Name that Czar, the Obama czar wanted to put a ban on conspiracy theories, which one was it?
Beck: I think it was a tie, quite honestly.  [Picture of Cass Sunstein.]
Greg: We should point out, you shouldn't yell it out until Glenn rings the bell.  Because then we'll take you and we'll throw you out into the street.
Beck: And you'll live in the tarp
Greg: With me.  Which is actually a lot of fun.  We're gonna live with bats.  I know how to cook over a garbage can.  Okay.  Third question from Name that Czar, this Obama czar kind of agrees with Mao, that political power comes at the barrel--
Beck: Bill
Bill: Ron Bloom
Greg: Nice, nice.
Beck: Wow.  Isn't that the guy who was living in his car for awhile and then he went to GM.  The only time he spent in a car manufacturing plant was when he spent the night in his car at GM?  Is that right?
Greg: That's a learning experience!
Beck: It is.
Greg: It is.
Beck: You know, he can design the seats so they can recline all of the way back?  He knows these things.
Greg: I only sleep in other people's cars.  Anyway.  Next question.
Beck: <didn't catch it>
Greg: Next question.  Name that czar.  This Obama czar believes white people need to step down so that other people can have power.
Team Faith guy: Mark Lloyd.
Beck: If someone gets it wrong, can you say it like Alex Trebec, Ooh Sohrry.
Greg: I hated when he shaved his moustache.  Just not the same.
Beck: Too much information about Greg.
Greg.  Not enough.  Next question, Name that Czar: This Czar was appointed by Glenn to counter one of Obama's ridiculous czars.
Beck: I have no idea.  You in the very back [Team Faith]
Team Faith: Brian Sack?
Charity: Disinformation Stewart Gear.  And if not, Linda Douglass.
Beck:  close, close.  Should I give it to him?
[Editor's note: I'm cutting back on some of the banter]
Beck: By the way, Stu looks good in that one.
Greg: Name that Czar, final question: What was the name of the Disinformation czar that Stu was mocking?
Hope: Anita Dunn?
Faith: Linda Douglass?
Beck: I didn't remember that at all, but she looks just like Stu, doesn't she?  [pic on screen]
Beck: My staff told me that we have produced more information on this show than most have produced in several years, and my staff told me, "I bet you will have forgotten half of the stuff we have produced."
Greg: That's amazing, but we have to move on, Glenn.  You can share your thoughts after the show, but we're on TV.  Okay, when I take over at 5 p.m., things are gonna be different.
Beck & audience laugh.
Greg: Alright, next category is Finish that Soundbite.  You shouldn't laugh that hard about that.  So, you gotta finish the quote.  So, Obama said this [video, June 2008] "Under my plan" --
Audience: energy prices will necessarily sky rocket.
Greg: I'll give it to him.  It was "electricity rates" will necessarily sky rocket.
Beck: And hey, who's gotten their bill lately? It's happening!
Greg: That's why you've gotta squat, Glenn.  I don't pay any bills, I just live in other people's homes.  Alright, second, Maxine Waters, here's what she said. Complete it.  "Guess what this liberal would be all about?
Audience: about socializing companies?
Audience: nationalizing, taking over
Beck: I think we just gotta go to the clip
Clip: This liberal would be about socializing, um.  Would be about [pause] basically [pause] taking over [pause] and the government running all of your companies.
Beck: Nobody better, nobody better.
Greg: A national treasure.  Okay.  Next one.  Van Jones.  "No more broken treaties--
Audience: "give them the wealth."
Clip: No more broken treaties.  Give them the wealth, give them the wealth.  Give them the dignity.
Beck:  Let's hear it for Van Jones!  He truly has provided so much sleepless nights for so many, and we thank him for that.
Greg: That could be taken a lot of ways, Glenn.  I won't go into it here.  Let's do another soundbite, shall we?  This one's from Andy Stern: "We're trying to use the power of persuasion, and if that doesn't work--
Audience: we'll use the persuasion of power.
Greg:  The next category is Can You Name -- and this is gonna be viewer-on-viewer, sounds kinky but it's not.
Beck: It's not 3 a.m.
Greg: I keep forgetting!  This is why I'm going nowhere.  I need Louie and Dee.
Dee: I'm from Philadelphia.  I'm a wife, a mom.  I was an attorney in a former life.  I became disabled, because I thought I could do it all, but God said, no you can't.
Louie: I'm from New York.  I'm a senior from Carey High School.  I'll be going to American University in the fall.
Greg: Those are my people.
Dee: I have you on my cell phone.
Greg: We won't talk about THAT.  My wife doesn't need to know this.
Beck, shakes Greg's hand: Anthony Weiner, nice to see you.
Greg: Can you name... the only person to call Glenn's red phone.
Louie: It was a viewer who called in and saw the number on the back of the phone.
Greg: That is correct.  He called you during a break, didn't he?
Beck: He scared the living bat crap out of me, 'cause we were on a break, and I thought Harry -- 'cause we were on a break and Harry used to call it before the show.  And so, it rang during a commercial break, and I said to Harry, "That's you, right, Harry?" and he looked at me and went "That ain't me."
Greg: It's coming from inside the house.
Beck: Yes.
Greg: You gotta be happy.  My viewers, when they call in, it's just death threats.  Alright, the next one. Cane you name... the technical indicator of impending stock market crashes.
Louie: the Hindenberg Omen?
Greg: Nicely done.
Beck: OOOH!  Holy cow.
Greg: This is the cheapest game show ever.  No prizes.  You actually have to pay to play.
Beck: And the rich just get richer.
Greg: Doesn't the Hindenberg Omen sound like an Outback appetizer?  Alright, can you name... the Weather Underground's 1960s Manifesto--
Dee: [buzzed too early] Lifeline?
Audience: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
Greg: Next one: Can you name... the author or authors of The Coming Insurrection?
Dee: The Invisible Committee
Beck: Do you remember when we all hoped that I was crazy on that one?  Yeah...  Those were the days.  Good times, eh?
Greg: Can you name... the evil progressive hero Hillary Clinton says she admires enormously.
Dee: Soros
Louie: Wilson
Audience: Quigley?
Audience: Margaret Sanger
Greg: Funny thing -- only time you'll ever hear her name followed by applause.
Greg: Can you name the SEIU member who this show caught planning to collapse the U.S. stock market?
Louie: Andrew Stern?
Dee: Steven Lerner
Beck: We'll be back in just a second
[On the screen: Which of the following animals has not been used as a prop on The Glenn Beck Program?  A rabbit.  B. Turtle.  C. Carrier Pigeon.  D. Turkey.]


D. Turkey

Greg: Beck'a Final Exam! I'm Greg Gutfeld, co-hosting with Beck who's taking part in a Quiz Show along with some of his loyal viewers.
Greg: This next category -- Animals and Edibles -- the audience is playing.  What type of birds did Glenn once have on the show to get the White House's attention?
Answer: carrier pigeons.
Greg: Which guest brought his own bag of peanut M&Ms and ate them during a satellite interview?
Audience: Chuck Norris
Greg: Glenn delivered his own State of the Union earlier this year with the help of a bunny rabbit and this power tool.
Audience: chain saw
Greg: In September of 2010, Glenn wore an apron that said I'm a baker not a ____, and used what kind of dessert in  his food display.
Audience: divider, pie
Greg: What was the name of the dead, stinky fish Glenn used on the show to expose the--
Audience: Hello, Larry.
Beck: My staff used to come in and say, "What do I have to find today?"  You can only do a show like this in New York.  My favorite is when I asked them at about 3:30, "I need leiderhosen.  Quick."
[Me: Your favorite isn't the marching band?]
Greg: Socialist Sweethearts.  It's a new segment.  These Socialist Sweethearts met in the Big Apple and used their sparks to spark a class rebellion.
Audience: Ayers & Dohrn.
Beck: What?!
Audience: Cloward and Piven
Greg: This radical relationship united in the 60s and turned explosive in the --
Audience: Ayers and Dohrn
Greg: She's the socialist lawmaker who--
Audience: Robert Creamer and jan Schakowsky
Greg:  He thinks, this guy, thinks animals should be able to sue you.  She's an anti-Israel adviser to Obama who could be the next Secretary of State.
Audience: Cass Sunstein and Samantha Powers.
Beck: If you weren't watching this show, do you think you would know any of this stuff?
Audience:  NONONNO
Greg: And if animals could sue you, you'd be in big trouble.
Greg: Okay, Socialist Sweethearts, last one.  Glenn couldn't get her to call him, because she was too hung up on him, a hot shot lawyer in the White House.
Audience:  Anita Dunn and Bob Bauer
Beck: I don't even remember him.  Everytime I'm gonna go with Mao.  MAO!
Greg: Mao's the answer to everything.
Beck: It really is.
Greg: Back in a sec, Glenn answering more questions that he should know.

Which of the following is a "right" as pointed out in our constitution?
A. Right to education
B. Right to housing
C. Right to healthcare
D. None of the above

D. None of the above.

Greg: We're back with Beck's final exam.  We're gonna have Glenn face off with one of the ultimate viewers, Christian.  Christian, where are you from?
Christian: Hawaii.
Greg: That's a country, right?
Beck giggles.
Greg: The category is Spooky Stuff.
Beck dings in: George Soros
Greg: You gotta hear the questions!
Beck: Alright.
Greg: George Soros is known as a philanthropist.  What else does he do in his spare time?  A. foment revolutions.  B--
Christian buzzes in.
Greg: You gotta let me finish.
Beck: YEAH.  I'll push your button.
Greg: B. collapse currencies.  C. corrupt elections.  D. All of the above.
Beck: All of the above
Greg: They did leave out shaping his eyebrows into cute birds.  Next question.  Who did Soros learn his concept of open societies from and at what Fabian socialist school did he learn them?
Beck: London School of Economics.
Greg: And who did he learn it from?
Beck. A... professor.  Whose name is no longer important because he's dead...
Greg: Chris?
Chris: George Bernard Shaw?
[Beck mocks/cheats by listening to producer tell him the name]  Carl Popper
Greg: What's the name of the fund George Soros used to attack currencies across the globe?
Beck, out of the corner of his mouth: Open Society Institute?
Beck: Chris, why would you say that, that was a stupid answer.
Me: heh
Audience: Quantum Fund
Greg: What's the name of the Global Language Soros's father helped devise?
Beck & Chris: ESPERANTO!
[Editor's note: Beck is having a ball.]
Greg: After shorting the British pound in 1992, Soros became known in the UK as
Me: the man who broke the bank
Chris: the destroyer of British Currency
Audience: the man who broke the Bank of England
Greg: Next, guess the impersonations.  The audience has to guess the man Glenn is pretending to be.
Beck: Oh man, this is gonna be ugly.
Greg: If you don't know an answer, just say Kathy Griffin, 'cause it's probably right.  Alright, first one.  Clip.  [Glen with pipe and tweed jacket and book, saying "Oh, the intellectual dribble.  Ahahaha, that's rich."]
Audience: Joe Klein
[Beck gets his pipe out of his desk to do the impersonation.]
Greg: Next one, roll the clip.  [Beck is weeping, with his hands covering his eyes.  No Rating is written on his fingernails.  "I wonder why I don't have any ratings..."  Breaks character to say "Maybe because you're not covering anything that anyone wants to watch."
Me: MSNBC?  Ed Schultz?
Audience:  Lindsey Lohan
Greg: Next impersonation please.  [clip: "I just want to say..." in Spooky Dude voice."
Audience:  George Soros
Greg: I thought it was Gwyneth Paltrow.  I hate her.  Next one, let's go.  [Clip Beck, at a live show.  Grabs nonexistent things from the air and eats them.  Puts hands on side of head, pulls face taught, makes rabbit-eating face.  That'd be a rabbit eating stuff, not a face made when one eats a rabbit.]
Audience: Nancy Pelosi
Greg.  Last one.  [Clip. "Just in case  you haven't been watching all week and you're not frightened yet, oh you will be.  You will be."  He's wearing a long brown robe and holding a tall wooden staff.]
Audience: Yoda.
Greg: We gotta take a break.
Beck: Final round.

Which guest has appeared more times than any other on the Glenn Beck Program?
Me: cupakes!  or maybe David Barton.


Answer: David Buckner -- 35 appearances!

Beck: He's also the only guest who ever passed out on the program.
Greg: This next segment, match the magnets.  Do we have Greg in the audience?  [Greg-A]
Beck: Come on down!
Greg: This is called match the magnets.  See the guys over there [on the chalkboard].  These are either founders or members of the groups on the right.  You have 30 seconds to match the face with the organization, and your time starts... now.
[pics to come to show this...]

It doesn't go well for Greg-A.
Greg: Glenn, I want you to do it.
Beck: I think I can do this.  [And he does so, impressively quick.]
Greg: This next category is Van Jones's lightning round.  This is just you, all alone, Glenn.  So you have to go to the podium.  Take off your shirt.  No, that's another segment.  Sorry about that.  That's afterwards, at the bar.  Name an organization founded or co-founded by Van Jones.
Beck: storm
Greg.  no, it should have been Ella Baker Center or Green For All.
Beck: What did you say Tiffany?  yeah!
Greg: Oh, make me look the idiot.  Alright, this is called lightning round for a reason, gotta go fast.  What does STORM stand for?
Beck: society... stand together... [audience guy helps] for organized radical movement.
Greg: What group hired Van Jones following his resignation as the Green Job czar?
Beck: Center for American Progress. (They all go there.)
Greg: What university hired Jones as a visiting fellow?
Beck: Princeton.
Greg: This is the next category, Can Glenn Pass the Exam?  I'm gonna show some pictures behind me.  Which one is Wade and which one is Dale.
Beck: That's impossible!  [He guesses wrong.]  They both look like James Bond villains.
Greg: Name two guests that appeared on your first show.
Me: Sarah Palin!
Beck: uh.  Sarah Palin, and... I don't remember.
Greg: Wow.  Karl Rove, Joel Osteie, the wives of border agents Ramos and Campain, and Ben Stein.
Beck: Oh my gosh!
Greg: Also, Metallica.  How could you forget that?  Okay.  Who were the only guests to pee on your desk, and what were their names?
Beck: turtles, Barney and Frank.  They really did pee a lot.  There's a lot of pee in turtles.
Greg: A lot of people are into that, Glenn. I don't like to pass judgement.  Anyway, we gotta take a break, and we've got more questions for Glenn and for the audience.


Greg: This is for the audience.  This next category's called That's entertainment.  Glen talked about taking the red pill over the blue pill to get the truth.  What movie did he get that from?
Audience: The Matrix
Greg: I never saw that one.
Beck: It's kind of like an amusement park at Michael Jackson's house.
Greg: What fictional TV hero has Glenn talked about on eight different programs?
Audience: Jack Bauer
Beck: Really?  Wow.
Greg: I thought it'd be Mrs. Garret from Facts of Life.  Alright.  What movie made Glenn weep so much he had to be ushered out of his seat at the end?
me: Schindler's List
Audience: Schindler's List
Greg: Mine was Sex in the City.  Go figure.  Thought she was gonna get married.  Alright.  Who did Glenn liken to Mr. Potter of It's a Wonderful Life?
Audience: George Soros
Greg: What real U.S. town did Glenn liken to Bedford Falls?
Audience: Bloomington, OH
Greg: That's all we have for That's Entertainment.  We're gonna go to a break.  What are we gonna do?
Beck: I dunno.  She's [producer] making this sign [to keep talking, fill up time 'til commercial] that I've never seen on my show.  Are you making pasta later?  Is that what that is?  I'm a married man, Erin.  No, no thank you.
Greg: Alright, Glenn's final thoughts, next.


Beck: We've been playing a game show all night, in case you've just tuned in.  Maureen is here [in the audience].  You ask some questions.
Maureen: Will Hillary Clinton run for president?
Beck: I think she will.  Nobody agrees with me, but I think she will.  Because I think things are gonna come apart at the seams here, soon.  For Obama.  Uh... Josh [in the audience]
Josh: What are you gonna miss the most about leaving Fox?
Beck: The power -- [audience laughter]-- no, no, there's more to that sentence.  The power of Fox.  Fox is the most powerful name in news.  Everybody knows it.  It is an amazing, amazing network.
Janice: Why didn't we have a Founders Friday Show about Thomas Jefferson.  
Beck: Eh.  He didn't really do anything important.  Not really.  
Audience: What do we do from here, and how should be get involved, particularly the youth.
Beck: Youth?  You stay in touch with me, go to
Bill: Do you think the Republicans will impose a social agenda if they win president?
Beck: Uh.. They are Republicans.  Yes.  That would be the worst thing they could do.  Yes.
Beck.  See you again.  From New York.

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